Slowly, Slowly

I had a dream I thwarted a bank robbery with my mad shooting skills. I have no mad shooting skills in real life, of course (that I know of), but in the dream I disarmed one of the robbers and shot the others and was the hero.

And it got me thinking that one of the appeals of action movies is the unbridled confidence. Your body can do these things. You will hurt the right people. You can keep going. A certain kind of swagger that signals “I know what’s going on and have control of the situation.”

I don’t think I’ve ever had that swagger.

I am slowly feeling more myself. I find the whole thing embarrassing. I was explaining to S. earlier that it’s both the embarrassment of finally admitting I’m not heading in the direction I want to be heading and the embarrassment that it’s taking this much to try to get me back on track. And I don’t know why I can’t be the same level of kind and understanding to myself as I would be if this were a friend going through this.

I mean, I do have friends on these same medications and I don’t really think of it at all. I mean, I do now because I have questions and they have answers (turns out the drymouth is totally normal). But in general, I think it’s good that they…

Oh shit. Okay, I think I just realized part of it, too. I find it embarrassing that my friends all realized there was a problem and had the guts to go get help. I am embarrassed that I suffered for so long, with it slowly getting worse, because I was chicken. And I guess, too, that I feel like this is a lot to go through if it doesn’t work. I’m afraid, too, of it not working.

God, this is depressing. Please tell me your thoughts on cockapusses…oh, shit, or was it octacocks? below.

4 thoughts on “Slowly, Slowly

  1. I’m thinking it was octococks. And I imagine them like a mult-ibladed knife, one finishes and another rises to take its place.

    And I’m real good at denial I can keep telling myself everything is fine (or at least workable), because admitting things are *not* okay is much, much harder. So, I’m glad you did the hard thing and now it’s getting better.

  2. When I finally started taking an SSRI, I didn’t sleep for a month and was a wreck. Once it all leveled off, I’ve been great, but it was a rough ride. I send a big hug and an extra skein of yarn.

  3. rheather, that’s how I imagined it! So, the fact that the Red-headed Kid thought it would just be a man with cocks up his arms was hilarious to me.

    And thank you both for the kind words.

  4. Even octococks need to take pills when their brain chemistry is off.

    Also, you are making me realize that I am immensely lucky in ways I’ve never, ever appreciated, because I never went through all the side-effects, and I thought not having any side-effects was normal. Now I understand why I had to have follow-up visits and all that; I thought it was just a way to get another copay out of me.

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