Ugly

I still hate pictures of myself. I hate that, when I see pictures of myself, I reflexively think “disgusting.” I hate that I don’t even think this about other fat women my size. Or fatter. I still sometimes blame the fat, but it can’t be the fat if I find other big round bodies attractive or neutral.

It’s me.

And I’m really grateful for the drugs that don’t let my mind jump to that and then stick there and worry at it until I hate my life.

And I’m grateful for the therapy that has taught me to demand my brain slow down and articulate how it’s feeling, really.

But I’m also really grateful for a little dude who genuinely delights in seeing me. To him, I just genuinely and value-neutrally look like myself, a person he likes.

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We were both covered in refried beans, because he likes them but can’t quite get them from his hand to his mouth without them ending up everywhere else.

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2 thoughts on “Ugly

  1. I love pics of little dude! Little dude rocks. And I know exactly what you mean on the disgust front. I spend a lot of time reminding myself that people are not, in general, retreating from my presence in horror, that some even appear glad to see me and seek me out, that I don’t judge others the way I do myself and maybe I should try treating myself with the same kindness, etc. It’s hard. I’ve only recently gotten to the point that I don’t actively avoid cameras all the time.

  2. One of the things that bugs me about our pop culture is that we don’t get enough heroes who look like what most heroes actually look like.

    That awesome secretary in “Wonder Woman”? Why can’t we have her be as superhero? The down-in-the-dirt, lives-on-the-line, heroes of the world very often look like you or her or Octavia Spenser.

    When I was really little, I saw part of “The Andromeda Strain” on TV because older people were watching it. The image stayed in my head that badass scientists who save the world look like Kate Reid. Guess what I do now?

    This stuff matters. We need more of seeing what real heroes really look like. If our ideas weren’t so skewed away from reality, you’d be looking in the mirror and seeing someone who looks like a lot of really important heroes look.

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