I also deeply resent how much their behavior means I then spend all this time thinking about them–beforehand to try to steel myself to deal with them and then after where I try to process what the fuck just happened.
Last night I took another Xanax and tried to go to bed. After a while, I just started crying. But the really nice thing about it was that, because the Xanax had kicked in, I couldn’t really concentrate on what I was crying about.
Like, I was just sad. I didn’t/couldn’t think about it hard enough to decide if it was because I did truly suck or if it was because these people are so shitty to me and yet I still love them and want what’s best for them and still hope that we will spend good times together or whatever.
I was just sad.
And that felt like a relief.
Also, I just can’t see the stitches in this The Shining afghan to work on it at night. Either I need to get a much brighter light to work by or I just have to resign myself to working on it during the day.
So, instead, I started this shawl with the copper yarn I’ve been spinning. Granted, it doesn’t look very coppery yet. But it will.