Another Bit of the Heart of the Matter

I had lunch with C & M yesterday and told them everything. But as I was telling it, I had a realization about another aspect of why this whole situation bugs me.

My life is great. I have a job I love. I have friends I love. I’m having weird-ass unbelievable experiences that, even though they happen, still seem impossible. I have a working level of luck and whimsy and magic in my life that, in general, makes my life incredibly fun for me to live.

And I’m a slut about it. I’ll share it with anyone who shows even the tiniest bit of interest in it. I’ll haul anyone along on any adventure. What weird thing can we make happen? Okay, let’s try it.

Because it’s awesome.

But you can’t fuck it up. If you’re going to join me in this cool weird thing, you have to be open to it and gentle with it.

And my parents can’t/won’t do that. They would rather be miserable. They would rather understand me as miserable and unfulfilled than to be open and vulnerable to delight. To share in delight with me.

And that pisses me off and makes me feel rejected. I have worked so hard to have this amazing life and you’d rather shit on it than share it.

That sucks.

2 thoughts on “Another Bit of the Heart of the Matter

  1. It sounds like the “you” they see and try to interact with is not the real you, but a story about you they made up. They don’t know what to do with a you that doesn’t act like the story says. You chose to leave that story because it was a crappy place to be. And I would guess that the truth is, there is no danger now you will go back…you wouldn’t be able to fit into that mold again, even if you tried. You’ve come too far. You can’t shrink yourself down again.

    However long they have left, your parents can use that time to choose to ignore this or learn to accept it, but those are their choices. You already made your choices.

  2. Embracing joy and delight and looking for the good and wondrous is an excellent way to live. Making up your mind to follow this course and reach out for that kind of life is a great choice and I respect you immensely for choosing to live this way.

    Families tend to narratives and family members often have a great deal of difficulty accepting that the narrative they know no longer works—the circumstances have changed, the people have changed, whatever.

    Don’t let yourself be written back into a rôle that you hate and doesn’t suit you. Even if you have to be blunt about it with your parents.

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