A little while ago we had a meeting with some people who weren’t on their best behavior. I thought it would be nice to have a necklace that conveyed a level of hostility that I could wear in future meetings with them.
I bought some barbed wire.
Also, let’s try not to notice that I’m “crepe paper neck” years old now.
Yesterday was objectively really good. In here, it was a disaster. I cried at my desk for a while. Then I went home early. Some other shit that’s going to be embarrassing today went down.
My goal was to be unconscious as quickly as possible. But I also walked the dog and answered work emails and sent reassuring texts to my coworkers so that no one would be inconvenienced by my losing my damn mind. Then I made sure I had a little something to eat, even though I wasn’t hungry. And I took my medicine. Then I tried to self-destruct, but I got tired and went to bed instead. But apparently I also set an alarm so I’d get up and let the dog out before our normal bedtime.
And this morning, I found a large glass of water on the sink that I must have left for myself.
I don’t know what to make of the fact that I have this inner responsible dorky sweetheart who doesn’t want me to suffer. I don’t know where or when I developed a part of me that is sweet to myself, but here she is.
Anyway, I made the therapy appointment. I got that done, too. At least. The Wednesday after I get back from Phoenix.
Half the rows are complete! I either need 18 or 28 hexagons to finish. I think 28, because I don’t want to have the top be a long row and the bottom be a short row. I think I want two long rows.
God, I love this so much.
I sent an email to S. last night telling her that, if she doesn’t hear from me that I have a therapist’s appointment scheduled by the time I get back from Phoenix I need her to force me to do it.
Things at work are really great. My job is kind of morphing into my dream job. I still cried last night for reasons I can’t really articulate.
I’m so angry. And I’m kind of angry that this is my life. Like, I feel this kind of outrage that my coworkers are lovely and I like the shit out of them. I’m super pissed that I’m supposed to now go do this stuff I love to do.
It makes me feel insane. Things I know, objectively, I should be excited about and delighted by instead make me feel mad and over-burdened.
Which, truly, is why I need to be back in therapy.
I mean, y’all, I sent S. an email asking her to help me get this done. She sent me back an email saying “Yes, I will do this for you. Here’s my plan for how to get it done” and my very first thought was “Hey, back off. You don’t tell me what to do.” I didn’t write that to her, because I caught that it was a nuts response. But now I’m snapping at help I asked for?
It’s hard to judge, but I think I’m about 3/4 done with the flowers. I’m just going to go until I’m out of colored yarn and then frame my flower pile in grey hexagons.
I’m trying to make a few decisions, though. One, do I want the bulk of the flowers to be in the middle of the afghan, spilling out in every direction–like the middle picture? Or do I want them all at one end and then petering out toward the other end–like the right picture?
And then, do I want the colors to be random or organized by color? AND, if I want them organized by color, doesn’t this mean I need some green flowers?