Still Here

Sorry for the silence. I used to feel like I had a lot to say, but I don’t so much anymore. I assume it will come back.

I did make paper, but it wasn’t dry before I left my friend’s place, so we didn’t print on it.

I’m working on an afghan that I really like and I’ll put up pictures later.

And today I’m going to record a podcast, which I’m pretty stoked about.

My parents have decided, at least for now, that they’re not going to move. They might think about it again in five years. I’d like to tell you that I have complicated feelings about this, but I don’t. I just feel relief.

And, frankly, anger. I just realized this as I’m typing this, so I’m not sure why this pisses me off, but it pisses me off.

I think maybe a little it pisses me off that I fucking broke this winter. I wanted to die. I laid on the ground in my back yard hoping the earth would swallow me up or I’d get hit by a meteor or something in this goddamn world would make sense. I splayed open emotionally and I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through.

And for what? For nothing. For things to be exactly how they were. For them to chicken out.

Which feels dumb to be mad about because I don’t want them here.

But it just also feels like this is how reckless and careless they are when it comes to me. That they would cause all this for no reason.

Also, I’m pissed about how cool I am and yet no one wants to date me. And I’m also super pissed about being pissed because I don’t want to date anyone right now. Which makes me feel like, even though I’m feeling better, my anxiety brain is still trying to find a way to make me feel like I’m fundamentally unloveable.

When maybe the world is just filled with dumbasses?

Ha ha ha. Lord. God. I’m so tired of feeling like shit.