Still Here

Sorry for the silence. I used to feel like I had a lot to say, but I don’t so much anymore. I assume it will come back.

I did make paper, but it wasn’t dry before I left my friend’s place, so we didn’t print on it.

I’m working on an afghan that I really like and I’ll put up pictures later.

And today I’m going to record a podcast, which I’m pretty stoked about.

My parents have decided, at least for now, that they’re not going to move. They might think about it again in five years. I’d like to tell you that I have complicated feelings about this, but I don’t. I just feel relief.

And, frankly, anger. I just realized this as I’m typing this, so I’m not sure why this pisses me off, but it pisses me off.

I think maybe a little it pisses me off that I fucking broke this winter. I wanted to die. I laid on the ground in my back yard hoping the earth would swallow me up or I’d get hit by a meteor or something in this goddamn world would make sense. I splayed open emotionally and I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through.

And for what? For nothing. For things to be exactly how they were. For them to chicken out.

Which feels dumb to be mad about because I don’t want them here.

But it just also feels like this is how reckless and careless they are when it comes to me. That they would cause all this for no reason.

Also, I’m pissed about how cool I am and yet no one wants to date me. And I’m also super pissed about being pissed because I don’t want to date anyone right now. Which makes me feel like, even though I’m feeling better, my anxiety brain is still trying to find a way to make me feel like I’m fundamentally unloveable.

When maybe the world is just filled with dumbasses?

Ha ha ha. Lord. God. I’m so tired of feeling like shit.

One thought on “Still Here

  1. “Also, I’m pissed about how cool I am and yet no one wants to date me. And I’m also super pissed about being pissed because I don’t want to date anyone right now. Which makes me feel like, even though I’m feeling better, my anxiety brain is still trying to find a way to make me feel like I’m fundamentally unloveable.”

    Preach it, sister. This is the litany of all awesome single Aunties. I firmly believe I am delightful and brilliant, and have no desire to date… and yet am certain that I am repellent to eligible men, and this certainty eats at me. At the same time, I see my married sisters, and how their personal development never went beyond the traditional maturation of surviving marriage and children, and I feel SO lucky that I never had to stop Becoming myself because of marriage. Now as they become empty-nesters and one divorced, the tables have turned and I’m no longer the pitiful single sister whom no-one wanted; I’m getting to show them what’s out there and what else they might do and learn and experience and GROW with. I’m the one who knows how to be alone and happy, and they can’t conceive of it, and are awed. WE are the prehistoric community priestesses; we provide the wisdom of Self-awareness to the marriage-bound women in our sphere. Any but the most extraordinary of men would make us less than we already are.

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