Dear Millennial Generation,
I’ve noticed that everyone is writing letters to you guys lately–the general gist of which is that you’re ungrateful and don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. So, I thought I’d get on on the letter-writing action.
First off, no one knows what the fuck they’re doing. We all want to pretend like, if only we can figure out which ass to kiss, all will be well and we will still have jobs in industries that continue to exist. But no one wants to be an ass-kisser. So, we sit around bemoaning the fact, not that we have to do it on order to meet the requirements of the superstition we think is keeping us safe, but that you’re not participating in our superstition with us.
I mean, what the fuck do we have to tell you?
Honestly. We’re the generation who made “Woodstock” synonymous with “massive rape fest.” Woodstock. In a related note, we made Fred Durst rich. Our credibility is shot. Any time you wonder “Does Gen X know what it’s doing?” just gaze upon Fred Durst and wonder no more.
The biggest disappointment of my middle age is that we, the slackers who floundered so much in our early adulthood, are now sitting around sneering down our noses like there’s something wrong with floundering when done by you.
There are no sure-footed paths anymore. If there ever were. The other day, I was watching this vile reality show about a guy who owns a car dealership in Texas. He’s probably my age or a little older and he was drilling into his young employees, who are your age, that “only losers fail.”
Bullshit. Everyone fails. You’re going to fail like it’s the motherfucking 1870s around here, because things are messes. Your failure might sometimes have to do with you. It might sometimes be beyond your control. Either way, failure doesn’t make you a loser. It makes you a person alive right now.
I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I know less than I did when I was in my twenties. The older I get, the more I’m like “Yep, that’s more confusing than I knew. No idea what to do about that.” And, honestly, I don’t think anyone my age knows what’s going on or what to do.
Which brings us to the truth–we, Gen X, are having a continuing crisis of faith. It may be the defining characteristic of our generation. We smoked a lot of pot, wore combat boots, and named our kids “Ava” and “Francis” in order to see if that made us feel better. And, by and large, it didn’t. So, now, while we’re still fucking messes, we’re demanding you kiss our asses, like, maybe we can’t do things that make us feel like things aren’t going to shit, but maybe you can make us feel like we know what the fuck is going on.
It’s ridiculous. Gen X has a midlife crisis and wants the Millennials to make us feel like we’re valuable. Next thing you know, we’ll all be wearing toupees and acting like we, of course, listened to Mud Honey back in the day and we don’t even know anyone who listened to Guns & Roses. It must have been those Baby Boomers.
Anyway, that’s what I know–nothing. You’re doing fine. Yes, you probably are fucking up, right this second. Me, too. All of us, too.