Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

It’s really real. It’s happening. Remember yesterday when I was all “I have two things completely done for the Post. I am super awesome. Now’s the time to make Jason Statham jokes. Maybe contemplate cocktapusses.”?

Today I am all “Oh, fuck, I only have half the things I’m supposed to have for the Post done and the only things I have any opinions about are Jason Statham and cocktapusses.”

Anyway, I’ll just be sitting over here, freaked the fuck out.

Scandinavia, if you ever loved me, you need to release a weird movie that doesn’t involve putting Madds Mikkleson in a cage for eight hours right now.

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SuperGenius Does Me Solid!

The SuperGenius sent me a link to the YouTube Channel of “Wyoming’s Dr. Jackson Crawford” (allow me to introduce myself as the Midwest’s Potluck Phillips) who stands around in beautiful scenery pronouncing Old Norse things.

It is delightful. In one of the other videos he pronounces “Asgard” in a way that made me realize it’s probably the same word as “Oscar.”

Kung Fury

At last, a reason to break out my “Scandinavia” category again!

Though, just as a side note, can I say that all season on Arrow, I have been dying for Dolph Lundgren to do the salmon ladder. Do you think he still could? I do. He’s also really tall, though, so possibly he would just reach up and set the bar on the highest rung and do a pull up. But that’s also fine!

I also feel like Dolph Lundgren is more interesting looking now than he was in his younger days. And I would support him showing up in all kinds of pop culture stuff to raise his eyebrows and then beat someone.

Where were we?

Oh, right. On Netflix right now there’s this awesome short film, “Kung Fury,” which is about as perfect a thing as you will ever see. I don’t know anything about Iron Fist, but I think “Kung Fury” has already devastatingly pre-parodied it so well it will be hard for me to take Iron Fist seriously. The movie has a triceratops cop and Thor kills Nazis. And every time they need to do a special effect beyond their budget, the movie just stops and there’s fuzz for a minute, like an old damaged VHS tape. It’s just outstanding.

Why, Scandinavia, why? It’s getting so you know that if a horror movie is made in Australia or New Zealand, it’s worth checking out and if you want to sit around yelling in delight, “What the fuck is this?!” you just look for a Scandinavian movie that is not a drama (which is no knock on Scandinavian dramas, but even an interest in Norse mythology and a love of seeing Mads Mikkelson mostly naked could not get me through Valhalla Rising. In some alternate universe, I am still watching that movie. It still has ten years to go. But in this world, I turned it off after Mikkelson got out of the cage for good. Wikipedia calls Valhalla Rising an “adventure drama,” which leads me to believe that the Danes have some weird ideas about both adventure and drama. In my mind, Denmark is a lovely country where you eat fish, boat places, and generally have a good time, so maybe having to be really bleak and boring for seventeen years is an adventure for them? I don’t know. Just get your shit together, Denmark. If you’re going to have Mads Mikkelson naked and tied up, setting him wandering around America with Christians is not what we want to see happen next.)

I’m off track. But anyway, “Kung Fury.” It has no cocktapusses, but it does have a lot of exploding heads. I highly recommend it.

Hemlock Grove

1. I’m more excited for this show than it deserves. Even if it deserved a lot of excitement, I’m more excited than it deserves.

2. Yes, that’s Vampire Eric’s brother, glaring at a werewolf!

3. Which brings up an important question–Do Scandinavians possess werewolf-glaring skills that Americans lack? Is that why we have to import Scandinavians to glower at our werewolves? Is this a skill all Scandinavians have or just the Skarsgards? I’m 1/8th Swedish. Does that give me the ability to effectively side-eye 1/8th of a werewolf? And which 1/8th? Or are my dirty looks only 1/8th as effective as someone fresh from Scandinavian soil? Is this why there are no shows about werewolves set in Minnesota? How can we safely test this theory? Can we hire Joe Manganiello to stand in front of us and judge which one of our stoic looks of mild interest he finds the most disturbing?

3.5 How does that even go? A boy and his mom are sitting at the breakfast table and he’s all, “Well, I’m off to seek my fortune in America, being a werewolf-glarer. I’ll write as soon as I find work.” “You come from a long line of werewolf-glarers, son. Your uncle Ollie once stared down three werewolves at once. Your grandfather saved Stockholm from the Great Werewolf Infestation of ’68 by withering looks alone. Go, and make me proud.”

4. I could laugh about this all day. And Alyssa is going to let me write about it for Think Progress next week.

5. I never thought my “Scandinavia” category would get so much use. But here we are.

In Delightful Scandinavian News

People, who knew I would have another opportunity to use my Scandinavia tag (and to practice spelling Scandinavia correctly)?

And yet, here I am, to report that Norway has not one, but at least, it would appear, two “firewood celebrities.” I mean, you can’t be the biggest Norwegian firewood celebrity unless there’s someone falling a little short of that, right?

And Norway is so small! But the U.S. does not even have one firewood celebrity. Yes, we have Smokey Bear, but he’s more a fire celebrity.

I am making it my personal goal to be the U.S.’s biggest firewood celebrity, even though I have no idea what such a title might require. I will make my Scandinavian ancestors proud, though.

Or not. Ha ha ha.

Scandenavia, Why Must You Delight Me So?

Shall we count the ways? Excluding my favorite gods, we have

1. Trollhunter.

2. Jagannath.

3. First-aid Kit, especially their song about a werewolf.

and now 4. The Great Norway Goat Cheese Fire of ’13.

Let us count the ways this is fucking wonderful!

  1. Who knew cheese could catch on fire?
  2. It burned hot enough to destroy a tunnel.
  3. 2/3 of the men in that story are named Viggo.
  4. “Kjell Bjoern Vinje, of the Norwegian Public Roads Administration, said it was the first time he could remember cheese catching fire on Norwegian roads.”

So, yes, I’m a little bummed that none of the Skaarsgards showed up to glower at me in a sexy manner, but Norway, your goat cheese fire just about makes up for it. In your honor, I have just now added a Scandenavia category to the blog, in case the awesomeness continues.