Screwed by the Witch’s Tit

So, I was supposed to get it off today. (Did you know the cooter doctor now has no co-pay for annual visits? Thanks, Obama!) But it’s fucked me over. Because it’s kind of torn at the base, it’s got a little yucky spot of irritation on my thigh. So, I have to Neosporin it and then, instead of just being shaved off, the cooter doctor is going to have to cut into my thigh a little to make sure there’s no infection.

Yes, I will be spending the next three weeks trying to heal my witch’s tit so that it is healthy enough to be removed.

I didn’t ask her if it was possible that the irritation was caused by the Devil suckling on it while I sleep, but that’s only because obviously that’s what’s gone wrong here.

I tell you, people, getting older is just a fucking wonderland of weird ass shit that your body does for no reason.

But, apparently, the witch’s tit has chosen cooter-side seats because it is warm and moist there, which, let’s be frank, is why the Devil would be hanging out there, too.

So, there you have it.I have to continue to suckle The Beast, which you know means motherfucking Glen Danzig is going to just creepily stand in my closet sniffing my bras, which is what Glen Danzig does while the Devil harasses you. It’s a whole thing. Glen Danzig sniffs your bras in your closet. Your cats recite “Stairway to Heaven” backwards. Lord Byron eats all your potato salad and then demands more. It’s terrible. Never get a motherfucking witch’s tit.

As Close As You’re Going to Come to the World’s Greatest Potato Salad

My roommate in grad school made a potato salad that tasted like I imagine french kissing an angel must taste–slightly sweet, slightly sour, and there’s bacon. This is not that potato salad, because she does not give out the recipe. But it is the potato salad equivalent of french kissing someone who’s french kissed an angel.

Okay, here’s what you’ll need:

4 medium potatoes

4 hard boiled eggs

6 strips of cooked bacon

1 cup Miracle Whip

1 heaping tablespoon of yellow mustard

at least 1 teaspoon of relish

salt, pepper, paprika,

Here’s what you do. Cut those potatoes up into bite-sized pieces and throw them in a pot of salted water and cook them until they’re done but still firm (about 15 minutes, give or take). If you time it right, you can do the eggs first and then use the fifteen minutes they have to stand to cook the potatoes. I’m not quite that talented, but if you are, it saves a bunch of time. Plus it helps if someone cooked a pound of bacon for breakfast, but saved you out the six pieces you need. Otherwise, your cooking is going to run you a half an hour.

Now, in a large bowl, put your Miracle Whip and your yellow mustard. Stir those together. Now, put in your tablespoon of relish. Give it a taste. If you like relish, feel free to add more, up to a tablespoon of it. Stir and taste. You’re going to want a little pinch of pepper, a generous half teaspoon of paprika, and to stir again. You want to taste it before you add the salt while keeping in mind that you’re about to add a butt load of bacon and add just a pinch of salt. Remember, you can always add salt. You cannot take it away. And bacon is salty.

Okay, cut your bacon into bite-sized pieces and stir it in there. Now your eggs are probably ready and your potatoes could probably use another five minutes. Cold water your eggs and then peel them and cut them into bite sized pieces and throw them in your bowl and stir. Check your potatoes, which are probably done. Drain them and then add about a third at a time to your bowl so that you can get them coated.

Oh, damn it. It occurs to me that your pot to cook the potatoes in was probably a huge stew pot–bigger than your bowl. If you throw everything in your pot to stir it and then just move it back to your bowl to store it, you won’t have to be so dainty.

But that’s it. The general principle is that you’re making what amounts to deviled egg innards, but scaled way up, with bacon, and smothered over potatoes.

Put it in the fridge and try to wait until it’s chilled before eating.

And, note, the easiest way to vary this recipe is just by changing the type of relish you use. I usually use sweet, but we only had hot relish in the fridge and it is also delicious.

End of Watch

I came home to find the Butcher and the Red-headed Kid a little less than halfway into End of Watch, so I got sucked into it. It’s so fucking sad. Jesus Christ. I have no idea why people watch sad movies. I avoid it if at all possible. Life is sad enough as it is. Why spend money to cry?

But, other than that, the parts you’ve heard were good are really good. The relationship between the two guys feels like a natural, ordinary guy friendship and, as such, feels really beautiful and special.

Still, lord, who wants to be reminded that, behind every moment of love and joviality and light-heartedness is just the unrelenting spectre of death? Not me.