Bless His Heart

I must be feeling better, because my dad called to tell me a.) not to call him tomorrow after I get out of the doctor’s because he’ll be doing a funeral and b.) that whatever’s wrong with me is because I keep a messy house and, rather than getting pissed at him, I just had to laugh.

Bless his heart, he’s been trying my whole life to turn me into a neat-freak who will clean up after him and his sons and finally, finally, I think he thinks he’s got the cudgel… cudgle… argh, I wish spell check worked on this computer… anyway, he’s got the large stick with which to beat me now.

I am sick because I am dirty!

It’s like my dad reads feminist blogs and completely misses the point.

In Which I Talk about the Woo-Woo Stuff. Don’t Say You Weren’t Warned

So, yes, in a perfect world, I would go sit out on the graves of my ancestors for inspiration and wisdom.  In this world, I live here where, happily, I know no dead folks.

So, when I utiseta, it’s more of a metaphorical sitting out than a physical sitting out.  I’m just setting aside time each night for nine nights to go “over there.”

Where “over there” is, I’m not sure.  Suffice to say, and maybe it’s just as good an explaination as any, it’s just Not Here.

And, so, in effect, I guess, the goal is to be Not Here.

To me, it’s like tuning in a faint radio station by dial.  Sometimes, you get mostly static, but occassionally, you land the needle just right and things are clear as day.  For me, getting over There feels like I’m in two places at once.  I’m in my body and I’m some place just in front of my body.

It seems to me that this world has a spirit world that is over There and you can walk through that world and find ways to weird places or meet up with weird folks in familiar landscape.  I think there are plenty of places where the barrier between this world and its spirit twin are thin and, by doing the same thing in the same way for a set period of time at the same time, I’m tring to deliberately make a thin spot where one might not have been before.

Yesterday, I ran into the Old Man, who I haven’t seen in ages, it seems like.  And he told me to come sit with him at a specific actual real world place.  So, I’ll go there, when I get my first chance, and sit in the grass, enjoying the sun on my face and I’ll assume that he’s There, in the spot There that matches where I am and if nothing else, maybe we’ll have some sense of each other, separated, but next to each other. 

If something else, well, then, I guess that would be something else.

Last year, I spent an evening with the Old Man’s uncle and he took me to a spot on West End, about where the Jack in the Box is, and he showed me what it looks like to him, which is that he sees that spot as if all time is layered up on each other–the past, present, and future all happening at once, always–and he said that that’s why he liked having human companions; they helped orient him in time; they give him something stable to focus on.

To me, this made sense because I’ve always felt like there’s some way in which time works differently for the gods, and in a way that is to their detriment.  And so, if it is like that, that all time is at once, they cannot possibly change their fates.  But for us, time is linear and we can change our fates (though, supposedly, not the hour of our deaths), and that makes us important.  We can be communicated with and we can change fate.  You can see why we’d be almost irresistable to Some.

Anyway, the first two nights this year I spent with Frigg, Freyja, and Hel, which seemed fitting considering that I was just fretting about them recently.  And this is what we talked about, their nature(s).  And they said that they are not the same, but they have the same job(s) in their different realms.  One of their jobs is as midwife of sorts and though they each have different primary responsibilities, they work together.  Frigg pulls young life from There to here.  Freyja helps shepherd souls from here to There.  And Frau Hel (as she was calling herself) pulls souls from nothing.

That, she said, is why she is half woman and half skeleton, not because she crosses some line between life and death (what god cannot do that?), but because she regularly crosses the line between being and not being.

I don’t know if that’s true, but it felt right.

And, of course, I don’t know if any of it is “true.” I could just be inducing hallucinations in myself and then putting stock in them.  But it makes me feel better, so at the end of the day, I guess I don’t care.

Tonight I was on a high, dry mountain top and I met a man who was trying to teach me how to use the moment the sun rose, the power of that moment, to transform myself, and after much trying, the first thing I switched to was a fish.

He thought this was hilarious.  Who would transform themselves into a fish on the top of a dry mountain?

Well, come now, me, of course.

What I mean is that that rings true in some soul-deep way to me, whether it actually happened or not.

That Old Black Magic

In the past, the Butcher has been less than enthusiastic about me stinking up the house every October.  So, honestly, I was glad he was making jokes about it last night.

We’re a good match, I guess, in terms of having eccentricities the other can stomach.

I’m torn because, basically, that’s where all my thoughts and energy is right now, kind of devoted to that time and being open to it.  So, that’s really what I have to write about.

On the other hand, I’m acutely aware that anyone who sits around and blathers on about her intimate religious experiences is just bringing the cra-Azy.

So, I tend to feel like I won’t bore you all with it.

But that’s what’s going on and that’s where my mind and heart are, what I’m thinking about and mulling over.

So, I’m torn.

Usually, I’d be more than excited and happy to run back here and talk about what I learned and who I saw and what I thought about everything now that I’ve had a chance to, but I guess I feel weird about it, so I don’t.

My Worst Qualities

I think my worst quality is actually two-fold.  One is the fairly harmless yet unflattering belief that I’m secretly smarter than just about everyone (with the exception of you, dear readers), but the other fold is the belief that, because I’m smarter than just about everyone, it’s okay for me to manipulate folks.

I really hate that about me and I work very, very hard to not do that.

I’m still bossy, don’t get me wrong, which is a quality about myself I’m kind of ambivalent about.  But I try to be openly bossy so that folks can see what I’m up to and decide whether or not they want to tell me to fuck off.

Still, I have to tell you that the smug belief that I should be sitting in the background quietly pulling strings is one I kind of battle with frequently.

…well, shit, this post has turned out to be a rougher one to get through than I thought it would be when starting out…

It’s funny because I am, in general, very uncertain in public, in large groups, and I feel like I have a hard time really accurately judging what’s going on and whether people are enjoying talking to me and so forth.

And one would think that you couldn’t be both of those things at the same time–sure you had everyone figured out and scared that you had no idea what was going on.

But there you go.

My other worst quality is that I have a hard time separating my feelings about myself from my feelings about others.  So, you could be a perfectly nice person, but if you make me feel insecure or jealous or like an outsider, I kind of hate you.

Which, again, is ridiculous.  And I try to recognize that when it comes up and see it for what it is and just get the fuck over it.

I imagine it’s like this.  You are on a boat and your life–a happy life–is the big lake you could spend 80 years exploring.  But the shitty things about you are loops on the rope that keep you attached to the pier.  It’s possible to drag the pier behind you, but damn, talk about a lot of work!  Far better to leave the pier attached to shore and for you to unfasten yourself as much as possible from the dock, when you discover that you’re still wrapped to it.

Still, it’s work and it kind of sucks.  But it’s necessary work, I think.

I had a point.  I don’t remember what it was for sure.  Just that I’m feeling petty and jealous of other folks for no good reason and that I’d like to just get the fuck over it and on with life.